Ever since I was little, I’ve believed that midnight on New Year’s Eve is the single most important moment of each year. It’s when you say goodbye to the year, give thanks for all the wonderful experiences and forgive and forget the sad times and mistakes. In my opinion, that’s a great way to go – taking all the good things forward and leaving all the not-so-good things behind. It’s an opportunity to reflect, learn and dream about the potential of the year ahead. And I’ve always done that. As the clock strikes midnight, a million thoughts run through my head and it all comes down to the same dream – to be as happy as I possibly can, doing the things I love, surrounded by the people I love.
I guess it’s probably a dorky and pathetically-romantic way to look at it, but seeing in a new year feeling happy, loved and special, has always been important to me – especially as I always seem to have so much shit to leave behind. For me, that single moment can wipe away all the tears, all the pain and all the anger with just that tiny glimmer of potential for a new beginning.
I’ve always loved being surrounded by my family at midnight because over the years, they’re the ones who have never let me down. They’ve never walked away from me or given up on me or hurt me and I know they will be a huge part of the year ahead. Sharing that moment with them each year gives me strength and inspiration to follow my dreams.
But there’s definitely been a few times when that romantic belief has come back and bitten me on the ass. Being the weirdo I am, I’m always convinced that midnight will be perfect, a Cinderella moment when all the hurt goes away and this silly little freak turns into a princess. And I have genuinely wished for that to happen, especially for the past two years. I’ve spent so much time feeling ugly, undeserving, hurt and so frigging hated, that at the most important moment of my year, I’ve allowed myself to believe that maybe, when the clock strikes twelve, I could turn into a princess.
Anyway, I’ve come to a few new conclusions about my New Year’s Eve belief.
The first thing I’ve come to realise is that every single day has the same importance, potential, inspiration and romance as New Year’s Day. Every day can be amazing, a new beginning, a dream come true and a fairytale. I plan on using every day to work towards my dreams and every midnight to learn, leave negative feelings behind, say thank you and dream even more.
The next thing I’ve learnt is that I’m already a princess and I don’t need anyone to help me feel like one. If people choose to treat me in a way that acknowledges that, then great, but the most important thing is how I treat myself. The moment I allow myself to rely on others to make me feel worthy, loved, deserving or beautiful, that’s the moment when I’m not really being me. And that’s just stupid.
Lastly, I’ve realised that the most painful part of last year and my biggest mistake was allowing people to take music away from me. I felt like I wasn’t good enough to perform or create music or dance or be a part of that world and it hurt like hell because that is my world. This year, I’m taking it back.
So that’s my Happy New Year post! Not quite what I originally planned when I started typing but it’s done! I hope you all have an amazing 2016!
Over and out x